Friday, 5 July 2013

I Am Not A Superwoman. The Only Power That I Have Is LOVE

That sounds more than super, isn't it? I don't know, I feel just to write this :) Yeah, I do feel like I want to silent for a while, but I need to update about Ahmad so that I will never forget what have we went so far. I hope that everything will be end as soon as possible. But, it is not like what I have imagined. Allah has a better plan for us, definitely.

Sometimes I feel like to cry. I am not that strong woman as I always appear. I do have heart and feeling. I do have needs and desires. But I have to face this fate, like a superwoman. If God don't grant me a feeling to love, I might be a loser as well. But I stand up and fight. Mummy want Ahmad to know that mummy love you so much. Some other days maybe mummy have been not-a-very-good-and-garang mummy, but deep down please always remember me as a lovely loving mom. Ok son?

I think I was struggled lately. When Ahmad growing up to be a very healthy and active baby, I feel blessed and thankful. But I can't manage to be a good mom for Ahmad. I had to put myself as single parent since my husband and I is in long distance relationship. I am glad that I stay with my parents and they help me a lot to look after Ahmad when I'm at work. After work, I am back as a mother at home, pure mother. I look after him on my own. While Ahmad is busy exploring everything, I really mean every-things around him, I have to prepare for his feeding. I have to keep pumping milk for Ahmad. I can choose to stop but I don't know why it is so hard to do it, as hard as to pump as well. My breast sore, my nipple crack just like I'm just giving birth and breastfeeding a new baby. The worst part is my production dropped to 1/3 from its usual amount. This is really make me super stress. I am really lost my patience about this but I lost control how to handle this.

I hope I could put a blame on someone but at the end I blame myself. I know it is not bad if I giving up to pump, but I have to consider a lot of things before I really put down my weapon (breastpump tu la..haha).

Ah, why must I tell this. I never want this blog to be my personal sentimental blog hahahaha.. Nevermind. I just feel that I need some support from you guys. So please say something nice and encouraging! I need positive words to stay strong! :D

Okay. Sekarang baru nak cerita pasal Ahmad. Hahahaha.

Last week on 28 June 2013, we went to HKL for follow up. I really hope this time the doctors manage to give a date for operation because Ahmad had turned 9 months old already. I got a friend whom her daughter had same case as Ahmad. In fact, I personally think Ahmad is better because he never fed on tube. However, this girl manage to go under surgery right after she turns 9 months. They did the surgery at Pantai Hospital.

In Ahmad case, the doctors want to wait until his jaw develops better. For now they thinks his jaw is still small that it could make the airway smaller if they proceed with the operation now. It would effect his condition after operation that he might have to stay in ICU with tracheostomy tube. I really don't want that. Huhhh.. :(

However, we need to wait for 6 month for his next follow up, and maybe another-I-don't-know-how-many-month we have to wait for the date of surgery. I really want it to happen as soon as possible but yeah, I am not a doctor. The thing that keep disturbing me is, Ahmad will grow older. By the time he was fit for the surgery, he might turns 1 or 2 years old already. I know that I don't have to think what will happen because it is in Allah's plan, right? But I am a mother and I can't stop thinking about my son. Are you guys will think like what I think if we are in the same shoes?

Ahmad will be more active. He will be walking, running and climbing. Ahmad will eat like other toddlers too. Ahmad might be able to say one or two words, or more. And, Ahmad definitely will be heavier than now. Waaaaa.. This is a big challenge for me. How could I say that? Because, it will give a different impact after the operation. Ahmad has a lots to face. He has to consume only liquid instead of nasi bubur and everything he likes to eat as a toddler. Ahmad has to be extra careful not so lasak, especially on anything he would like to put inside his mouth. He won't be allow to stick with his bottle and teat anymore ( i can imagine his tantrum waaaarghhh..). Ahmad will cry because of hungry and we need to calm him by holding him all the time and this is the time where I will broke my arms holding a heavy toddler for 24 hour. Hahahaha.

Paranoid like stupid. 

I hope if Ahmad can talk before the surgery, he will not face a lot of difficulty to pronounce. Please no sengau please. Or if it happens I hope people won't notice and make fun of it. I hope after the surgery, Ahmad could sit for speech therapy as soon as possible and manage to talk with good pronounciation (did i spell it right?). 

But, on a good side, I will think like this: He might be active, but he knows how to behave. He would have no problem on feeding because he prefer liquid since he got sore mouth. He is heavier, its ok because he prefer laying and playing on bed, or better, he prefer dedi than mummy hahaha so I can focus on pumping milk and other thing that a mother should do. Escapism betul.

Please God, Allah my Lord give me strength to face this. I put everything on Him, I will just go through it with the only power that I have, LOVE.

p/s: sorry English darjah 2. hahaha.. lama tak speaking pun.. adaakukisah :p

No comments:

Post a Comment